I’ve noticed this tendency in myself for the last few months: I tend to stop what I’m doing and stare off into space. It happens any time of day but particularly in the morning. With my leg either in a boot or brace and my other leg compromised by pain, I dawdle over getting my pants and shoes on in the morning. I t has to be done in ritual order—left (sore) leg first, because it hurts to lift it—so that leg goes into underwear, pants or shorts, sock (now that’s really a challenge) and shoe; then the right leg and add to the ritual these days buckling into the brace and fitting it into the shoe. Sometimes it may take me a half an hour to get to that point because I stop to stare into space—and because I put off standing up because it hurts my left hip. Doctor, home health nurse, everyone tells me I have to do it because walking on that hip is the only way to make it better, but damn!
I find myself staring into space at other times during the day too. I’ve always wondered about people who say they meditate—how do they get their mind to fix on one topic and stay there? When I gaze at the far horizon or whatever, I have no conscious thought in my brain, though I often sense that an idea comes into my head and instead of continuing what I’m doing, I follow that idea off into wherever,
I’ve blogged about and most of you are aware of the major changes in my lifestyle I’ve experienced lately—health and mobility, living quarters and cooking accessibility, independence (I’ve had to give up ideas about that). I’ve tried to meditate, but I simply couldn’t or wouldn’t focus on one subject.
It occurs to me however that in those times I drift into space I’m really meditating, working on the issues in my life I need to sort out. Jordan was upset last night that I was upset (I know, bad sentence) over the prospect of limited mobility in the future-tonight she made it a bit worse by saying she doubted I’d ever drive anywhere by myself again. And she may well be right, and it may turn out to be a blessing for which I will forever be grateful for good friends who take me hither and yon, but what Jord didn’t understand in her quest to make everything better, is that I need to work all that out in my mind and it isn’t going to happen overnight.
So if you see me staring off into space just think that maybe I’m driving my VW on a scenic backroad, top down, my dog Sophie at my side.
It’s all going to work. It just takes time.