Showing posts with label #depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #depression. Show all posts

Sunday, September 03, 2023

A photograph, a short story, a novel, and the truth

 



In 1936, documentary photographer Dorothea Lange took a picture that has become the symbol of the Depression. The photograph, taken in Nipomo, California, shows a woman sitting in the back of a beat-up truck, holding an infant, with two other children huddled close to her but turned from the camera, as though blocking it out. The woman stares into the distance, her face lined with fatigue, hunger, and anxiety. She and the children are dirty, their clothes obviously worn for days. It is a picture of abject poverty and hopelessness. Lange worked for the Farm Security Administration and did not own rights to the photos she took; she was paid a salary and never profited directly from the immense popularity of this image. Nor did she get the subject’s name or permission. A few days later, the photograph was published in the San Francisco News. The subject of the photo remained anonymous.

In 1978, a woman named Florence Owens Thompson wrote to the Modesto Bee identifying herself as the woman in the portrait. She and her family felt used by the photographer, disputed some of the facts that had grown up around the picture, and resented being symbols of the Depression. Thompson, who was full Cherokee from Oklahoma, eventually had several husbands and partners and as many as nine children (the record is a bit unclear). In 1983, her health failed, and her children asked for donations to cover her medical care, collecting several thousand dollars. She died a few months later at the age of eighty.

Knowing none of the story, I first saw the picture years ago and was struck by the anguish on Thompson’s face. What I wondered would bring some joy and hope into that life. I wrote a short story, “Sue Ellen Learns to Dance,” in which I plucked her out of the Dustbowl and gave her a new life. The story won a Wrangler (Western Heritage) Award from the National Cowboy Museum and a Spur from Western Writers of America.

This past week I read a novel, Mary Coin by Marisa Silver, also based on the life of Florence Thomson. Silver uses three voices to tell the story---that of Mary herself (Thompson), photographer Virginia Dare (Lange), and a college history professor named Walker Dodge who appears to be the only purely fictional addition to the story. Silver lays out a plausible life for Mary Coin—more marriages, more children—that ends with her living alone in a trailer, despite nicer accommodations arranged by her protective children. The three voices speak interchangeably, and I was uncertain early on where the novel was headed, though I had a suspicion. The characters are portrayed sympathetically, and the entire work is a graphic account of the hardships of the lives of migrant farm workers in the 1930s. There is also a lot of angst and much introspective wandering in the minds of these three characters, but eventually it ends with a climactic plot twist that takes real liberties with truth and possibility.

A friend and fellow novelist asked me what I thought about the differences between my story and Silver’s novel, and at first, I dismissed it as the romanticist (me, with a happy ending) against the realist (with a heart-wrenching though contrived ending). But the more I thought on the question, the more I realized that Silver took a specific woman and created a plausible, probable if grim life story for her. That is or should be historical fiction.

I saw the beleaguered woman as symbolic of the many migrant mothers and imagined a future rather than trying to stick to reality. There were other threads in my story—a hint of Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying (a dying grandmother is central to the resolution) and woven in is the theme often found in western stories about the good woman who cherishes memories of an outlaw lover or a wild escapade in her past. Though it takes place in the past, I see it as fiction without the historical qualifier.

I wonder if readers would see the same difference I do. Anyway, I find it fascinating that almost ninety years later, that iconic photograph is still inspiring writers.

Sue Ellen Learns to Dance and Other Stories - Kindle edition by Alter, Judy. Literature & Fiction Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.


Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Cookies, memories and an exciting look ahead


My Mothers Day flowers
courtesy the Frisco Alters


How did I miss it? Today was National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day, and several places offered free cookies. I am truly distressed that it passed me by and I got no free cookies. If you keep up with “national days” your head will spin. Every day has three or four things assigned to it----but chocolate chip cookies are so special. I guess now I have to bake the last ones left in my freezer, a product of one of Jacob’s school campaigns.

Looking backward, today I reviewed my blogs from two years ago, with an eye to a possible new project. I was astounded to read my accounts of my broken ankle, the pain I was in, the depression I felt. It was eye-opening and made me so grateful for my recovery. And I hadn’t yet gotten to the really bad parts. Don’t know if and when I will. But it’s so instructive to look back at ourselves from a different emotional place.

There were some wonderful memories in those blogs too—the Mothers’ Day card Jacob gave his mom that said, “I love you the yellowest”; all the many things Jordan did for me—I hope her caretaking chores are less now; the week that Colin came and took Jacob and me to Tomball to give Jordan a break—we laughed, explored restaurants, sat by the lake and sipped wine at night, and generally had a wonderful time.

I tried to be upbeat in those days, but I was astounded at how many days I didn’t feel well, hurt too much to walk, really wasn’t keeping up with the house and daily chores. Jordan cooked most of my meals and finally moved in with me because she didn’t trust me alone at night. I don’t quite know how to sing her praises—all she gave up, the effort to run two homes at once.

Jacob was nine in those blog posts—an entirely different kid than the “grown-up” almost-twelve he is now. All the sweetness, none of the angst. There were nights when he and Sophie both slept in my bed with me. I think nostalgically I miss those nights; in practical reality, not so much.

I may not have gotten much actual work done this morning, but it sure was eye-opening and instructive, and made me grateful for the physical and mental health I enjoy today.

A funny bonus: recently I ran across a recipe I wanted to try for the family Reading the old blogs, I realized I had tried it two years ago and found it good but not quite what I expected. It was for a whole roast chicken—what I did two years ago was chicken thighs. Tonight, I defrosted a boneless thigh and did it for myself. Again, good but not great.

Looking ahead: Jordan, my personal travel counselor, came home with the brochure and itinerary for our Great Lakes Cruise in August. It looks wonderful, though I worry that I will be able to do the excursions or that my inability to walk will handicap Jordan in her enjoyment of those outings. But who wouldn’t want to go to Sault Ste. Marie, or Mackinac Island, or Muskegon/Holland where I have friends.

Jordan and I have already talked about packing and planning. She is so efficient about all that. It’s a relief to put myself in her hands. Last night we ordered the kind of visor hat she thinks I’ll need, the water bottle, and I can’t remember what else, but whoosh! I spent $100 at Amazon. Still I am so excited about this trip. Lovely to have something to look forward to so much.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

I have become a statistic


As many of you know, I fell in late April/early May and although I didn’t realize it at the time, I broke both bones in my lower right leg, almost in the ankle. Walking on it for two weeks did not help healing, and an orthopedic surgeon pronounced it beyond repair. I am now wearing an orthopedic boot night and day, which is a real pain but if it keeps me out of surgery, I’m grateful to do it and wheel around on the walker (you’re not supposed to do that). Getting me out of the house in a transport chair is difficult for all involved, including me—but it can be done. I am officially handicapped and have the benefit of the Medicare Home Health program. I cannot put any weight on my right foot for the foreseeable future.

At first I thought this was the event that would turn me into an old woman, but I don’t feel that way anymore. Depression has been replaced by an optimistic kind of acceptance, and I remain in good spirit most of the time. Frustrated, though, by all the things I can’t do—reach up in a cabinet, fix my meals (unless someone has already prepared food), make my bed, etc. Washing my hair is an exercise in ingenuity—I balance on one foot, holding on to the sink with one hand and lathering with the other.

In spite of all, I fell again last week when visiting my son in Tomball. In my own defense it was dark and my eyes hadn’t adjusted. I thought I lined my walker up with the edge of the bed, but in truth I had them at an angle—and the bed simply wasn’t where I thought it should be. I ended on the floor, whacking the side of my head. Had a huge shiner the next day—looked like a painted eye patch. Then it began to heal—draining into my cheek and neck. I’d post a picture but I don’t want any of you to see me looking like that. Jordan and Jacob have taken to warning visitors before they see me.

All this means that I am a statistic:

1 of three seniors fall each year

1 of five sustain serious injury, usually fractured hip or head trauma

700,000 are hospitalized

250,000 break a hip, which is often the end to good health.

Deaths from falls have dramatically increased since 2004 and now stand at 58 per 100,000 people

Many seniors become so afraid of falling that they cut down on activities, thereby growing weaker and more prone to falling.

What factors can you work on to avoid falling?

Exercise to strengthen lower body

Take plenty of Vitamin D

Exercise to improve balance

Check meds—do they make you sleepy, dizzy, unsure of your footing?

Check your vision

If you suffer from foot pain or wear inappropriate shoes, you’re more likely to fall.

Home hazards include throw rugs, broken stairs, stairs without handrails.

Listen up my fellow senior citizens and be very careful but do live your life and enjoy it!

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Floods, Fire, and a Wheelchair

            Brexit aside, the headlines this morning were pretty dismal. When I look at images of the West Virginia floods or the California wildfires, I feel blessed and safe and sometimes I wonder why I’m immune to all these disasters. Is it where I live? Surely it’s not because of good deeds. My heart and my prayers go out to people who’ve lost their homes and loved ones in either disaster.

God or whoever’s in charge, has a way of putting things in perspective. My walker seems pretty comfortable and safe today when I view those catastrophes. I may be temporarily housebound, but I have a dry, safe house to stay in, plenty of food, and a comfortable bed to sleep in. What more can I ask for? Just glanced at the TV in time to see a picture of a wonderful rare steak and potato salad—maybe, if I were greedy, I’d ask for that. Seriously, I often think about this—my cup runneth over while so many in the world suffer so horribly. Thanking God seems a pale thing in comparison.

My guest blog about writing my way out of depression was posted on One Woman’s Day (Story Circle Network) this week, and many folks seemed to miss the point that I had written my way out. I got lots of sympathy and advice about my depression, so I want to assure everyone it’s gone, vanished, kaput. Days like today, with its disastrous news, make me realize again that my depression, caused by this blasted ankle, is a paltry thing in the overall scheme of the world.

Meanwhile, we’re at it again—downsizing. Last week, it was books spread on every table of the house and piled high. A friend came by last night and exclaimed, “It looks so neat in here.” The books I can live without—and believe me it was a large number because I was heartless—went to Recycled Books in Denton. So today, it was dishes. Jordan emptied the buffet and spread the dishes out on the dining table; then she started on miscellaneous coffee mugs, saying no person needs thirty-five. Pushy, isn’t she? I reluctantly parted with some favorites, held on to others. She washed the cupboards and put dishes away neatly. I told her she’d be too tired for the party she’s hosting this afternoon. But it was good to have company and fun to dig through treasures I hadn’t seen in a while. She was frustrated when I’d say, “Well, that belonged to one of my grandmothers but I’m not sure which one.” We are sentimentalists and are keeping all family pieces.

Tonight Subie Green brought supper, and I was joined by her and her husband and neighbors Susan and Jay. Great casserole, wonderful watermelon/strawberry/blackberry/basil salad, and raucous good times.

It’s been a good day.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Ankle Report

 If you’re interested, I think my ankle, foot, leg or whatever is gradually getting better. The foot is still swollen but not near as much and not as red. I can briefly put weight on it now without the excruciating pain of a week ago. Still can’t walk on it except maybe two steps holding on to something, so I scoot around the house on the seat of my walker, using my feet to propel. It’s awkward because the walker is designed to go the other direction, but I am getting pretty good at going through the house backward.

It’s not entirely foolproof. The chair can move a bit, and one night as I aimed for it getting out of bed, it moved and I was left hanging between bed and walker. Couldn’t pull myself up so I decided the only thing to do was go down and sit on the floor. If I had to call for help, so be it. Lo and behold, a major accomplishment—I got myself back up, even using my sore foot. I’ve learned to use the basket for all kinds of things—except drinks. Not only have I spilled two glasses of wine, but one morning I put my tea in the basket and it must have splashed, because I yelped and thought something had stung me. It was the hot tea.

We’ve developed a nice routine.  I’m home alone with Sophie during the day, though weekdays Lewis Bundock, the contractor, is in and out, and he lets Sophie out for me (today she didn’t go out until 5:00 p.m.). About 4:30 Jordan and Jacob arrive, and soon after I have anywhere from one or two other people to a houseful. Tonight there were three children and eight adults, including Jordan and me. These visits tire me out so that I usually sleep well.

No word on the MRI yet but when people ask how much longer I have to have the boot I say I suppose until I can walk on it. I’m afraid of getting addicted to the walker because I’ve noticed a lot of other small problems don’t worry me—my tremor isn’t as bad, I don’t fear falling (except off the walker).

I’ve both let a lot of housekeeping go and relied far too heavily on Jordan to do other chores. She’s arranged for a private duty care person to come and stand by while I shower twice a week. I admit it’s a great comfort to have someone there, handing me towels, etc.

I sleep a lot, but today I got high behind—sorted my entire appetizer folder of recipes (believe me it was thick) and read 190 pages of a book I’m reading for a competition. So it was a profitable day. Hope tomorrow turns out as well. 

I think I’ve been through depression and cabin fever and come out on the other side. Most of the time, I’m relatively content with my days—but I will be glad to be mobile again. Meantime, life is good.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Let the good times roll

Watch for it in print on Amazon soon--I hope
 For a lot of people I know, 2015 has not been a good year. Everything from deaths in the family, job problems to health and financial worries. For me, it’s been a year of poor health, principally problems with my low back and left leg and, of course, my balance. I began to think it was the year in which I suddenly become an old lady. With physical problems and the associated pain—believe me I did hurt some of the time—came depression, and I felt like I was becoming an old lady with a sour disposition. I had no energy and no ambition to do laundry, household chores, things around the house. In addition, my publisher went out of business, and all my mysteries disappeared from Amazon and other sources. So on both a professional and personal level, I’m glad to put 2015 behind me.

2016 is going to be a much better year. My neighbor, who has just started a new job, and I agree on that. I felt my depression lifting about a month ago, and now feel I’m back to being cheerful which is my normal state. A dear friend from out of town visited in early December and said, “Well, you seem just fine.” Jay, the neighbor, said, “You should have been around here the last four months!” But to me it’s like a whole new world.

I don’t hurt, and I’m going back to physical therapy next week, to restore my self-confidence and balance. I’m working on getting my last book on Amazon in print—proofing is taking me an extraordinary amount of time but the holidays do bring distractions. Then I plan to put the rest of the mysteries up as e-books, one every month so I’ll have something to crow about in publicity. And I will publish my historical novel about the Gilded Age in Chicago in the spring. It’s a heavy work load, but I can do it. Watch for news about The Gilded Cage—it’s a departure for me and a book I’m really excited about.

This year will also bring major changes in housing—the merging of the Burtons household with mine. So Jordan and I will spend many afternoons downsizing my belongings, and then I’ll live through construction.

Busy hands make happy hearts, and I expect to be busy and happy in 2016. In fact, I think something wonderful will happen, and I will live in anticipation.

I hope 2016 brings each of you magical good things.

 

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Pity Party Over

           This morning I woke depressed and scared. The MRI test that I was so sure would show nothing or at least something minor came back with a lot of words like stenosis, degenerative (okay, I’m 77—what wouldn’t be degenerative?), and bulging disk. I was sure my active life as I knew it was over, I was afraid to walk around the house, had to make myself make the bed and fix tea. In fact, when Jordan called I was near tears. All my children called, and Colin gave me sensible advice—take time to process this in your mind. What I knew was that I was in charge of whatever I make of the rest of my life.

So tonight I’m in a much better frame of mind. I won’t claim to have done much today—folded some laundry, emptied the dishwasher, fixed a sandwich for lunch and reheated the bbq my neighbors brought for supper (so good!). Did some work at my desk, found I didn’t have to cling to the furniture to walk from room to room. In short, it’s going to be okay, though I will heed Colin’s advice—don’t try big things when I’m home alone—and neighbor Jay’s words, “baby steps.” Will I ever cook big Sunday night dinners again? I hope so.

One of Colin’s pieces of wisdom (he really is a rock) is that we should start to think now of the future, so if, God forbid, something happens we don’t make decisions in haste. How did I raise such a smart kid? And how did I raise four such caring kids? I said I’d be lost without them, and Colin said, “We all would be lost without each other.” He reminded me that I’ve been a role model for them all these years, and now, that I seem to be turning a corner into old age, I continue to do that, to show them how to do it gracefully..

I won’t pretend I got a lot of work done today—lots of emails, read a really positive review of my forthcoming Murder at Peacock Mansion, began to register on new sites, and read a book for review, took a nap. It was neither the long day nor the bad day that I anticipated.

And now to read a bit and go to bed early to see what tomorrow brings. Nice to know that I can move myself out of depression and into optimism.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Cultivating Cheerfulness

A good friend told me today that my blogs of late have all been downers, complaints of one sort or another. Jordan chimed in with “I’ve tried to talk her out of her depression.” I have mixed feelings about this. Quite honestly, I admit I have whined a bit—my back hurt, my house is in chaos, I got a rejection—and I shared those things. I think each of us have periods of depression and discouragement, and if I’m going to do a personal blog—which mine is, particularly for this year that I’m hoping to compile them—then I think I should be honest about my feelings. Pollyanna isn’t always at home. 

On the other hand, a friend and I were going into a restaurant for lunch the other day, and I saw a woman with multiple physical handicaps pushing a small grocery cart (no matter she was pushing it away from the drive-in window of a liquor store). I looked at my friend and said, “I’m never going to complain again.” Guess I haven’t been good about keeping that resolution, though I know some of my posts have been thoughtful—i.e., the pope’s visit—and some joyful, like last night’s reunion with old friends.

Still, maybe being sure I post positively will help me improve my disposition as I go, and truthfully I’m a happier camper tonight. I think mainly it’s due to the ministrations of my brother, who did a lot of spasm relaxation techniques (lay person’s description) on my low back today—for an hour and a half or so. When he’s working to release your back, his hands may well be on your head, but it’s magic, to me, that he can say, “Yeah, it all goes to that one spot” and point to the place in my low back I knew hurt. I won’t fool—even his low impact techniques sometimes hurt like fury, but by the time I got off the treatment table my back was ever so much improved—pain free. John and Cindy, my sister-in-law, do a two-man technique that involves pushing legs straight in the air and gradually back toward my head. John said I tolerated it well, and Cindy said she couldn’t believe how flexible I was. Music to my ears.

We went to Carshon’s for lunch—best Reuben ever—and as we left, John observed that I was walking pretty well and that the fact I didn’t hurt so soon after treatment was a good sign. Tonight I do feel better than I have in a long time. A bonus; both during treatment and at lunch, I had a great visit with both of them. John asked about my tremor and I said I’d had it for a long time—it’s the reason I don’t take the juice in communion, because I can see grape juice all down the front of whatever I’m wearing. He laughed and laughed, but it’s true. I’ve always had shaky hands. It was that kind of a visit—we caught up on kids and other things.

It was a hectic day at my house with all kinds of workmen, loud saws, and noxious fumes. I can’t tell any progress in the bathroom, except they were under the house and there’s a big hole where the shower will be. But my kitchen counter went in, and I am thrilled with it—it’s going to make my kitchen looks so much lighter and brighter—and speckled as it is, it won’t show every spilled drop of everything like the old counter Formica, a dead, dull gray, did. I stop every time I go in there and admire it. No pictures—I don’t think pictures of vast empty counters tell you much. Lesson learned as I cleared the counters for this work—I have way too much junk in my kitchen. I will be judicious about what I put back.

So here I am, back to being a happy camper. Bear with me, please.

 

Friday, September 18, 2015

Meltdown!

I had a meltdown yesterday, something I rarely have and even more rarely admit to. But this was sort of an eye-opening experience for me—and a reassurance of what I forgot yesterday: this too shall pass.

I didn’t sleep well the night before and woke feeling sick to my stomach in the wee hours—when everything is much worse. Nothing like three o’clock in the morning blues. Yesterday I had no appetite, nothing appealed; I was exhausted; I was depressed, convinced that it was aging, and I would never again have the energy or ambition that I once enjoyed. At first I attributed it to perhaps an extra glass of wine out at dinner the night before and too much rich food—a cheese tray and a fried crab cake with aioli sauce. The best of the cheese was a brie with fig jam—yep, rich.

But when the malaise and stomach instability was still with me last night, I decided it was more. In retrospect, I think the stress of remodeling played into it, along perhaps with dehydration. Then I told myself over-analyzing was destructive, and I would be better today. Not sure myself believed me. Didn’t sleep well again last night—hip and back pain, leg cramps, insomnia. But my stomach seemed to have settled down. Cottage cheese, my comfort food, didn’t work for dinner but I eventually ate half a peach and a piece of chocolate.

Today I was much better—most importantly, my attitude was better. Stomach better but still no interested in food—tea with honey for breakfast, peanut butter toast for lunch. Tonight I thought a nice lean loin pork chop sounded good so I defrosted it—turned out I defrosted a quarter pound of ground pork. Had some lemon/chive pasta in the cupboard and had it with butter and parmesan—plus a banana, to combat the leg cramps I had last night.

So tonight I am convinced I will be “back at myself” tomorrow, with an appetite and an ambition to write and, barring back pain, my usual energy which, okay, isn’t what it was twenty years ago.

So what did I learn? This too shall pass is really true. No, I can’t do what I did twenty years ago. And, yes, I have to pay attention to my body—hydration, diet, wine consumption, sleep.

I am blessed with children who care. Jordan tried talking me through the depths, she practically poured lemon water down my throat, she called to see how I felt. My oldest son from Tomball called twice last night and once again tonight. How can I stay down in the dumps with such loving care?

I’m back to knowing that I am blessed and a bit embarrassed that I gave in to a meltdown so easily. But as son Colin said to me, “We all have days like that.” Probably true, so if this confession helps someone else, I’ll be glad.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Anxiety, Depression, and Robin Williams

I think everyone in the country has had their say about Robin Williams today--the high quality of hilarity he brought into our lives, the tragedy of his death, dealing with depression. It's been dissected from all angles, and I swore I wasn't going to add to the babble. Yet I can't help myself. I want to speak out.
Of all the Facebook posts I've seen today, most seem to miss the point that dancing fast is a way to hide from depression. For all his clever craziness, comedy was probably always a mask that Williams used to hide himself from his desperation. I think many of the silliest, funniest people we know in our daily lives are doing the exact same thing. What so many Americans can't seem to grasp is how common anxiety and depression are. I know first-hand.
I awoke about five this morning feeling anxious and made myself lie there and analyze what was causing this mild anxiety. I could quickly pin it down: I had a dental appointment this morning, which I always dread. Memories of my childhood come roaring back--I had bad teeth and lots of cavities in the days before high-speed drills and painless dentistry. Our dentist was a taciturn man but also one of my uncles--not blood but close enough to the family that he was called "Uncle Walt." As an adult, I learned to appreciate and value him; as a kid, I was terrified. I survived today's appointment with good grace I think.
The other was my new computer which is causing me grief because I can't get around it the way I could the old one. I'm slower, can't find some sites, don't know how to keep several sites open at one time, though I think that should be easy.
It was, as I said, mild anxiety. But there was a period in my life when I was housebound with anxiety, afraid to drive anywhere, afraid to be alone. I've worked hard to get where I am--still don't drive on the highway, don't like self-service elevators if I'm alone, can't do escalators, lots of lingering fears but few of them crippling. The biggest one is a fear of going new places alone in case I meet an elevator or set of steps without railings that I can't handle. Yes, my legendary lack of balance is purely anxiety driven. And I can't explain the truly helpless feeling when a panic attack takes over. To people who say, "Buck up and get over it," I want to say, "Walk a mile in my moccasins."
Yet I drive around town, live alone and like it, do all kinds of things I once thought I couldn't. I didn't--and don't--want anxiety to define my life. And I don't think it does. I'm fortunate to live a full, busy, and happy life. At the ripe old age of 76, I'm building a new career. It's fun.
Why couldn't Williams also overcome his depression? From what I've read, he worked hard at it all his life. I've never been that depressed, but I can imagine what he felt like just from the few black moments I've experienced. To feel that way constantly would be unbearable. A man must be desperate to leave behind wife, children, career. I understand.
A word about addiction: apparently Williams was sober for twenty years and then started drinking again. It's another common way people hide their depression, though it often just adds to the problem. I drink too much wine, I know it. But I control it because I more desperately don't want to feel bad in the morning. I knew one out-and-out alcoholic--he worked for me and nearly drove me crazy. But in retrospect I recognize PTSD, and I grieve for him too, as I grieve for Williams and the pain he endured, for his family, for all of us. And I've still got a tiny bit of anxiety because there's something I haven't done but should do--it just won't come to the front of my consciousness.