I’ve noticed this
tendency in myself for the last few months: I tend to stop what I’m doing and
stare off into space. It happens any time of day but particularly in the
morning. With my leg either in a boot or brace and my other leg compromised by
pain, I dawdle over getting my pants and shoes on in the morning. I t has to be
done in ritual order—left (sore) leg first, because it hurts to lift it—so that
leg goes into underwear, pants or shorts, sock (now that’s really a challenge)
and shoe; then the right leg and add to the ritual these days buckling into the
brace and fitting it into the shoe. Sometimes it may take me a half an hour to
get to that point because I stop to stare into space—and because I put off
standing up because it hurts my left hip. Doctor, home health nurse, everyone
tells me I have to do it because walking on that hip is the only way to make it
better, but damn!
I find myself
staring into space at other times during the day too. I’ve always wondered
about people who say they meditate—how do they get their mind to fix on one topic
and stay there? When I gaze at the far horizon or whatever, I have no conscious
thought in my brain, though I often sense that an idea comes into my head and instead
of continuing what I’m doing, I follow that idea off into wherever,
I’ve blogged about
and most of you are aware of the major changes in my lifestyle I’ve experienced
lately—health and mobility, living quarters and cooking accessibility,
independence (I’ve had to give up ideas about that). I’ve tried to meditate,
but I simply couldn’t or wouldn’t focus on one subject.
It occurs to me
however that in those times I drift into space I’m really meditating, working
on the issues in my life I need to sort out. Jordan was upset last night that I
was upset (I know, bad sentence) over the prospect of limited mobility in the
future-tonight she made it a bit worse by saying she doubted I’d ever drive
anywhere by myself again. And she may well be right, and it may turn out to be
a blessing for which I will forever be grateful for good friends who take me
hither and yon, but what Jord didn’t understand in her quest to make everything
better, is that I need to work all that out in my mind and it isn’t going to
happen overnight.
So if you see me
staring off into space just think that maybe I’m driving my VW on a scenic
backroad, top down, my dog Sophie at my side.
It’s all going to
work. It just takes time.
1 comment:
Whoops! I'm sensing a bit melancholy here, my friend. I'm a pro at that myself. Have been for years and years and I have discovered one thing: given our age and health problems, it's unavoidable. It happens. I go through it too. I have found, though, (and I've been at this far longer than you, I'm sure, even though we are practically the same age) that meditating is for the birds (if they ever meditate, that is) as my mind simply won't fix on one certain point for long. I, too, seem to leap from one subject to the next without warning. Try reading Gibran's THE PROPHET if you already have't and if you have, re-read it. I do. I can tell you how long I've been reading that---the first time I read it was when I was 17 and a freshman at the university. It wasn't assigned; I found it when prowling a bookstore and picked it up on a whim. Still have it. That's over 50 years ago, now! (You can post this if you wish; up to you. I do appreciate it, though, that you don't post some of my comments without asking. Thanks.) St Randy of the Miseries
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