I seem to be
writing about anxiety a lot in the last few days but that’s because I’ve felt
its looming presence in my life. One of the things I learned years ago is that
you can draw the circle tighter about you or you can gradually push that circle
wider. Today was a widen the circle day, but it wasn’t easy.
The second
Tuesday of every month I meet a wonderful group of book ladies for breakfast at
the nearby Old Neighborhood Grill. This morning I woke in high anxiety over the
thought of going to the Grill alone—having Amy F. as a “travel companion” has
spoiled me—and weakened me. I know today was like other days in my past—do it
today or you may never do it again.
Often when I
wake with disquieting thoughts I find it helpful to turn on the TV while I
brush my teeth, wash my hair, and get ready for the day. The news takes me out
of myself in a good way, and that’s what I did today. Then I set out for the
Grill, so late that a friend called and asked if she could get me. By then I
was determined.
Parked in the
farthest handicapped spot and had a moment of heightened anxiety—couldn’t let
go of the pole that held the handicapped sign. And then I took a step and I was
off and fine. It was what I’ve always
said—if you could turn your mind off and just act. Enjoyed breakfast and fellowship,
and when we were ready to leave my good friend stayed close by ready to offer
an arm if I needed it but let me do on my own what I could.
Tuesday nights
Jacob and I often meet neighbors at the Grill. He’s had so much baseball lately
that he hasn’t been able to go, but we went tonight. For a lot of complicated
reasons we walked down the driveway to the garage instead of my usual route out
the back door. I haven’t been down that driveway since I fell a year ago, but a
nine-year-old hand in mine is a great comfort. Fun dinner, and then Jacob
elected to walk home with Mary Dulle. Perfect timing—I parked the car in the
garage and was halfway to the gate when they came along. So for me, it was a
day of pushing back boundaries.
It was also, as
many days will be, a day of business, and I don’t mean writing. Lewis came by
and we figured out some insurance paperwork; the bank sent me a list of things
they needed, and I spent a good bit of time compiling them; the floor company
came to begin work and will be here for two days. I see light at the end of
that tunnel, but we still have no building permit for the remodeling. I see all
this taking up a lot of time in the future.
But it was a
good day, one of accomplishment, and I’m upbeat tonight. Oh—with the gout menu
eliminating many favorites—meatloaf (beef), pork cutlet (fried), I had a turkey
burger for supper. Good but not something I’d want every week. Deluged today
with gout advice—ordered tart cherry pills and will eat more citrus (can’t
stand grapefruit). Ate tuna but with a guilty conscience. Someone said some
things are triggers for one person but not another, so now I’m trying to think
what unusual I might have eaten. Someone said asparagus--tell me it’s not so!
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