Courage

Perhaps only anxiety sufferers will understand this, but I read somewhere that you should do something every day that scares you. That leaves me a long list of possible. Yesterday, as I reported, I met an old/new friend for lunch. It took a bit of courage, and I could so easily have opted out, pleading a migraine (no, I don’t have them) or a stomach issue (yeah, sometimes) but I didn’t. Scariest part for me was that I rarely go places alone these days but I did it, I hope with some grace.

Today I went to the nursery with neighbor/good friend Greg, having warned him I was unsteady on my feet. Again, I could have sent him with a shopping list but following my conviction that one way to combat anxiety was to get out in the world, I went. I was the most ungraceful person you ever saw getting into his jeep—but I did it. I worried if they had places I could sit if my back gave out. “We’ll figure something out,” he said. Greg takes life as it comes, with none of my anticipatory worrying.

I left my cane in the car because it falls out of the carts at the nursery—just held on to Greg. We got a cart for me to push and went through the nursery, with him saying, “Follow me this way.” I’m sure other customers thought how awful of him to let that old lady push the cart and order her around.  But I did follow him, we got everything on my list (no basil), and my back didn’t bother me. As the checkout a helpful employee tried to take my cart, and I said, “No, it’s my cane.” “Just trying to get it out of the way,” he said. I replied, “Well, then you’d have to get me out of the way because I’d be flat on the ground.”

The whole trip was fun, we got all the herbs I wanted and some other plants so my porches are in good shape. I sat on the front porch and then the deck while Greg planted and had a thoroughly pleasant morning. So two days in a row I’ve made myself do things I dreaded and had a great time both days.

Tonight I’m exhausted. Jordan arrived late afternoon, rearranged all the books, and moved them back into bookcases in the sunroom. I sorted as best I could and mostly watched. Then she realized I hadn’t looked at the bookshelves flanking the fireplace, so nothing would do but we check them. She works under the deadline of the book dealer who’s coming Friday—and probably won’t take even a tenth of the books. I have orders to sort one more carton and one bookshelf before tomorrow afternoon. She is so organized and so full of energy—I’m grateful beyond measure, but I’m sometimes a little tired.

Life is looking good.