The aftermath of Thanksgiving

Tonight, it's eight o'clock, and my house is very quiet and pretty much straightened up, pretty much decorated for Christmas. This afternoon, about two, when the last child left, I thought I'd go sit at my desk, have a glass of wine, and then nap. But I kept finding one more thing to do--and tonight there are still several one more things--a load of laundry to be folded, another to be started, a dishwasher to unload, Chistmas lights to be tested. For some unthinking reason, I scheduled my annual Christmas party (it's a no-tree sometimes but not always annual tree-trimming party) for next Saturday, which wouldn't be bad, except that the TCU Press big event of the year--our Annual Autograph Extravaganza--is the night before. I know it will all get done, but oh me!
I hate to see the children leave, but when Megan called tonight and asked, "Have you got your house back?" my answer was "yeah, sort of." She, bless her, was on her way to her office at 5 p.m., expecting to work about four hours--when she's left Fort Worth for Austin about noon.
Jacob is confused. Megan said he looked at her purse this morning and said, "Juju's purse." We have identical bags, because she bought herself one and then bought one for me--they are sort of a camel tan--and then Mel bought herself a black one. So trendy we are. Jacob keeps telling his mom that Gaga is at Juju's house. The Austin grandsons call me Gaga while everyone else in the family calls me Juju. Gaga was an invention of Sawyer's and his family refuses to let go of it, though he once looked at me solemnly and said, "Are you Juju?"
I'v'e thought a lot about my feelings about this holiday, because my self-confidence in my balance went all to you-know-where. At my brother's, when we had to park in a field and then negotiate a gravel path that I know I've walked many times, I was really uncertain, hesitant. Jamie gave me his arm and joked that he was uncertain on the gravel too and we'd hold each other up. This morning, just crossing a parking lot to go to lunch, I had to walk near someone if not holding on, and at Best Buy I simply held on to Maddie, who was most obliging though I am certain is puzzled. I've thought of several things--do I become more dependent because I know my children will take care of me? Gosh, I hope it's not that! Do I get more self-conscious about my balance because I so don't want them to think I'm getting old and dependent? Maybe part of it. But I know my balance is definitely connected to anxiety, and it may be that my anxiety is heightened when they're all here--maybe partly from good anxiety (excitement, enjoyment of their visit, etc.) and partly from worrying about herding all those cats and all that has to be done. I am trying so hard these days to let the visits roll by without worrying about dishes and cleaning up (they do a good job before they leave) and all that. I don't know, but it's something to ponder on.
Tonight I got back to business, reading the final chapter of my cookbook. Next step is to answer the editor's questions, which aren't many.
I've got the basics of my Christmas decorations up, but I need Jordan or Megan's eye. Megan is gone, so tomorrow Jordan is going to come over for brunch. We need to work on white lights, fluffing up the fake outdoor trees at the front door. And of course, she'll critique what I've done-with a huge boost of help from Maddie.
I'm left with happy memories of a good holiday.

Not my day

I spent three hours in the dentist's chair this morning, at least an hour of it with the drill. Definitely not my favorite experience. I think yoga helped--I really made a point of relaxing every muscle in my body, breathing deep, and not moving since I figured out before--well, really the dentist told me in a bit of exasperation--that when I moved, it slowed him down--I wanted out of there! At one point when there was a lull in attention--I think I had to sit for eight minutes with my teeth tightly closed--I got up to get a book and noticed that my legs were a bit shaky. When I finally was dismissed, it took me a moment to get my legs going. The dental tech asked if I was alright, and I assured her it was just the aches of old age. But when I got outside, I knew my balance wasn't good and decided to negotiate the grass rather than the handicapped ramp--and fell ingloriously on my back. Not hurt at all, but I couldn't figure out how to get up. The car fender was close to me but didm't give me the right leverage--finally, abandoning all pride, I crawled to the door handle and pulled myself up, just as one of the receptionists came out crying, "Are you all right?" I assured her I was fine once I was up again, and by then I was in the parking lot next to the car. She fussed over me, handed me my purse and stick--which had been no help--and I was on my way. But I was shaken. I'd been getting my self-confidence back about my balance, and that sort of went away. I think I truly should have asked for someone to walk me out--three hours angled back in the dentist's chair would discommode anyone, and it was aggravated by my balance problems. Elizabeth, my yoga instructor, and I are now seriously working on finding ways for me to get up should I fall again.
I went to the office, picked up a bunch of work to take home, and decided I would indulge in the confort of a grilled cheese sandwhich--which I burned. And the phone repairman was to come betwee 1 and 5 to fix two dead jacks--the result, I fear, of the installation of U-Verse. I got home at 12:30 to find a note that he had arrived at 12:15 and was sorry to miss me. Who ever heard of a serviceman coming early?
The repairman did come back about 3:00 p.m. but it wasn't the kind of problem he works on, so another one is scheduled for Sunday morning. AT&T guys are apparently pretty specific in their skills. And Sunday morning? I'll read the paper.
Jean Walbridge called tonight, and after I related the woes of the day, she said "I hope your day ends better than it has been." It has. I had good cold salmon and sauteed green beans for dinner and am settled at my computer working on the cookbook, repetitively clicking "Accept deletion," "Accept insertion." Every once in a while I take a break and read a novel.

Thoughts on Aging--and some busy days

I have a friend who has an epiphany about every seven days--you know, one of those bright flashes of insight that changes your life. Most of us are fortunate if we have three or four in our lifetime, but this friend is always reinventing her life--which actually might be kind of fun. But I had an epiphany--or a semi-one anyway--the other day. I was thinking how my bad balance problems began oh, maybe two weeks before my birthday. And it dawned on my--I didn't turn seventy quite as easily as I let on to the world. I laughed and joked about it, had a huge and wonderful b'day party--one of the highlights of my life--and joked about after I turned seventy everything was recalled, from my car to my colon. But I think I was dancing to fool the devil. I think turning seventy shook me--Jim, who is 6 months from 78, said to me today, "Of course it shakes you." But I truly do find it hard to think of myself as 70. That sounds old, and I don't feel old, walking stick or no. I think I've mentioned on this blog before my belief that we each have an age where we perpetually see ourselves and mine is about 35--I was happily married, my kids were young and wonderful (of course, they are still wonderful), but I don't know if that's it or if it's that I still see the world as I did at 35. Jim said his "lifetime" age is 18, not because it was a happy time in his life but because that's how he sees the world.
Anyway, now that I've taken off the rose-colored glasses and most of my car and medical problems have been dealt with, maybe I can really come to grips with no longer being able to use the euphemism "late middle age" and learn to understand that I truly am a senior citizen.
I don't want to push this, saying this "epiphany" improved my balance, but it is getting better. Jean noticed it when we went shopping the other day, and Melinda saw it when we went to lunch. And today I went alone to the country club for a luncheon and had to park--oh, half a block from the entrance. The walk was made difficult not by fear of open spaces but by the heavy heavy book bag and purse I had on my bad shoulder. Now that is something I can deal with in practical terms. A friend told me tonight she has a manuscript carrier on wheels, like an small overnight case only even smaller.
It has been a busy couple of days. Yesterday we had a long but productive (and fun) meeting about a book we're doing of the work of the photographer who chronicled the black community in Fort Worth during the last half or more of the 20th century. He took pictures of everyone from school children to world leaders, and the journalist who's working on the essays for it has had a wonderful time trying to identify people in the pictures, tracking down stories, etc. Yesterday we sorted photos and matched them to categories in his essays.
Today I took my car to be inspected--it was only three weeks overdue, had an advisory council meeting (only three people showed up but we zipped through my brief agenda and came up with great ideas), went to a luncheon for past presidents of Friends of the Library, and went to dinner with Betty--plus did a lot of work at home. I'm working on a proposal for the mystery--an agency that requires a long and complicated proposal with a cover sheet, a "sell sheet," a biography, a synopsis, a market analysis, an author marketing plan, a history of the manuscript (where it's been submitted), and a 30-page synopsis. I figure getting all that together will be good for me, even if the agency says "Thanks, but no thanks."

Kids, cooking, and dcotors

This is my Austin family. I don't get pictures from them often--their lives are too busy--so I thought I'd show them off. They've just been to Alaska (on the left) and southern Mexico (on the right), somplace I can't pronounce, spell, or remember, but it was south of Cancun. I got a bit mixed up and when I first looked I wondered why in the world Brandon took a suit and tie to a Mexican resort. Then, of course, I looked at the beautiful background and realized it was their trip to Alaska for a wedding. Pictures of the ocean and view from their casa in Mexico were equally beautiful. Megan says she's ready to go back to either place right away.

Can't talk much about writing, because I haven't gotten back to my mystery since I last posted a blog. I'm going out for an early supper tonight and then will put myself at the computer and stay there, hoping to revise a chapter tonight. Meantime I decided this blog should have more about cooking, so I thought I'd describe my casserole-for-one last night. I made a basic flour and butter roux, added millk for a stiff white sauce, then thinned it with white wine, put in peas and cut up cooked chicken breast, topped it with cheese and broiled. Good last night and good today for lunch. I tried to tell Jordan how to do that once, but she boggled at the white sauce directions.

An update on my poor balance: the doctor confirmed today that it is anxiety which, he says, cycles for no known reason. He said it's a chemicl/hormonal imbalance in my brain and may be likened to a flare-up of diabetes or thyroid problems. After assuring me he was confident it would pass as it has before, he also assured me I should not feel guilty or weak about it--sometimes I think if I would just gut up I could walk across that open space. Not so, according to the doctor. He's given me a prescription and told me to take it daily instead of trying to tough it out, as I had been, and he's given me a signed application for a handicap parking sticker which will probably banish my fear of trips to the grocery. His last words were to be sure to take Xanax before I go to the dentist at 8 a.m. tomorrow.

Work was fine today and I got things done, but it was one of those days when I wished I could stay home with my mystery. I am to talk to a gentleman Thursday about a young-adult book which, I presume, would be a paying project. I could use the money but I think I'll decline in order to stay focused. I'm learning so much about the mystery genre and, some days, feeling so good about what I'm writing. Of course, other days I despair, but . . . .

Hmmm. Tonight I'd like spaghetti. Definitely not on my diet, but . . . .

Practicing my balance

Bebe Bahnsen sent me some really useful exercises to strengthen leg and ankle muscles and thereby improve balance. I'm really glad I live alone so no one can see me walking around the house on my toes, then on my heels, or doing sit-to-stands ten times rapidly. But I'm doing them. This morning I slept in, didn't make myself get up and exercise--which I had been dreading for a long time. Instead, I got up a little before 7, got to work, then came home and exercised before lunch. May be a new routine.
All this exercise is of course preparation for Scotland. Jordan--who is by the by a travel agent--got me a map of the British RR system. I had asked for reservations to Inverness, which is where I found some great-sounding b&bs. When I looked at the map, I realized it's really north. But I think now it would be fun to go to Inverness, spend a few days, then take the train to Aberdeen (about halfway to Edinburgh--Jordan corrected my spelling, because I'd been writing Edinborough; some Scot I am!). After a few days in Aberdeen, we could finish up in Edinburgh.
Last night I fixed myself Salisbury steak (no, not the kind in the aluminum tray), mashed potatoes, and salad--delicious. I slathered that gravy over the potatoes and loved it. Tonight I took leftovers to Jordan's and told her the meat needed to be heated in the skillet. I looked over as I was making the salad and thought she was stirring an awful lot for a dish of meat patties. Turns out she didn't get the concept of patties, so we had ground beef and mushrooms in gravy. But it was still good.
I'm a latecomer to P.D.James mysteries, but I'm now reading Innocent Blood and am thoroughly intrigued by it--the cautionary tale of what an adopted girl finds when she goes after her biological parents--but as always I find James slow. She sometimes becomes tedious in characters' introspections and in descriptions. I always have to get halfway through the book to get really hooked. Meantime, I'm back to my surgery text.