Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Letting go--it ain't easy

Yoga is or was meant to be relaxation preparatory to meditation. So when I did my yoga workout today, I was meditating alright--on anger. Hardly what it's supposed to be! I don't think I'm generally an angry person nor do I usually hold a grudge. I've long ago let go of my anger at an ex-husband, and more recently, I've been able to let go of my anger at two difficult former employees. But I have this one bit of anger that I'm still harboring and--dare I say it?--even nurturing.
I know all the reasons to let go of anger. This is Holy Week, with the holiest of Christian holidays fast upon us, and I'm a Christian who takes my faith seriously. Anger is not in the doctrine--forgiveness is, a "turn the other cheek" philosophy. I've prayed about this, but the Lord seems willing to let me stew in my own juices a while longer. I know the platitudes too--the only person anger hurts is you, etc. Those are all over Facebook.
A gentle lecture from daughter-in-law Lisa last night helped a bit but mostly made me feel guilty. She expects me to be a better person--and so does her husband, my oldest child--and I'm afraid I don't always live up to that.
Dinner with good friend Betty tonight was helpful--the more I talked about my anger, the harder she laughed, until I was laughing with her and seeing how ridiculous and uncharacteristic I'm being. So for the time being, my anger is less. Gone? No, not completely. Will it come back in full force? I expect so, from time to time but maybe each time it will be easier to let go of.
Dinner, by the by, was delicious--we split a tapas platter of smoked salmon crostini with sun-dried tomatoes and goat cheese, skewers of grape tomatoes and mozarella with balsamic dressing, baby artichokes with blue cheese, asparagus with yet another cheese topping, and hard (spicy!) salami. Add a glass of chardonnay and it was great.
So here I am tonight, on my own Easter journey from anger to peace. Forgiveness? No, that's stretching it. I just need the peace within myself.

1 comment:

Bebe Bahnsen said...

Friends who make you laugh despite your anger or depression or despair are invaluable.