Saturday, August 20, 2011

Listening to your gut

This weekend, three-fourths of my family have gathered at Jamie's house in Frisco. I am not there, which surprises me. The Austin contingent isn't there either, but that doesn't suprise me so much. The other morning I woke early when it was still dark, and you could have scraped my anxiety off the ceiling. So I lay there and tried to figure out what I was anxious about. The brief presentation I had to make that night? Nah, I had good notes and always do better than I think once I get on my feet in front of an audience. Jacob starting school, which will change my routine completely? I didn't think so. In several ways, I'm looking forward to that--it will help me break some bad habits. The weekend won hands down.
The plans, on this 107 weekend, included a pool party at eleven with pizza in honor of granddaughter Morgan's sixth birthday and a triathlon Sunday morning in which Jamie, Colin and Lisa are participating. I am so proud of Colin and Lisa for taking up this challenge and working out in preparation. Jamie does several traithlons a season and is more of an old hand, but I am still proud of him. But that's two outdoor events in the heat and I've never done well in heat since the time when I was about twelve and got so badly sunburned--maybe sunstroke?--that I was in bed for days. Being out in heat and sun makes me woozy.
And then there's my puppy. She's too young to leave in a crate for the petsitter's twice-a-day visits, so I'd have to take her, crate and all. I'd worry about her being in the crate too much, breaking her training routine, having accidents on the floor--Jamie is pretty particular about that because he has two dogs of his own and he's afraid Sophie will set a precedent. So I decided staying home with my animal kingdom was the best plan.
Do I miss being there with everybody? Of course. A whole lot. I particularly wanted to be there for Morgan and her birthday and to show her my puppy, which she had requested. And I want to support Colin and Lisa--and be sure they don't collapse during this event. You know how mothers are--if I were there, all would be well. Am I having a sad, lonely pity party over here in Fort Worth? Not at all. I've been busy all day--getting Jacob ready and off with his mom (he'd spent the night here), visiting a friend who just had surgery, working at my desk, fixing a dinner that took some time--and was only medium good.
And I'm sort of proud of myself. It's not been long since I would have said, "Family get-togther? Got to be there." But I recognize anxiety when it takes over my mind and body, and I've learned a little bit about dealing with it. Tomorrow I'll go to church and give thanks for my family, and then I'll go to an all-church luncheon (Babe's chicken--who could resist?). And tonight I'm going to read a book. Life is good, and I'm filled with gratitude.

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