You Too?

This past weekend a respected figure on the Texas literary scene was accused by a thirty-something-year-old woman of having harassed her when she was fourteen, seventeen years ago. This is a man who is noted not only as a writer and poet but also as an editor and publisher. Over the years he has helped many new and seasoned writers. (No, I do not know him personally—only by reputation.) He is a married man with children. Apparently when accused of harassment he wrote a letter of apology (all before the Me, Too) movement.

All this came out when the accuser went public recently, causing him to state that his relationship to her, as a teacher, was strictly platonic. He also resigned from the state’s most prestigious association of authors to save embarrassment—and I suppose to save the association from a painful choice. As far as I know, no one has ever been booted out (yes, I am a member). Since then he has been censured and punished by other organizations. His once-flourishing career is in shreds.

All this sickened and saddened me, and led my thoughts to the Me, Too movement again. I am quite frankly uncertain about it. It’s long past time to out such men as Harvey Weinstein, Roy Moore, Eric Schneiderman, and others for whom sexually predatory acts are an ongoing way of life. They are completely selfish, self-centered men who delight in domination. Probably Bill Cosby fits in that group, though it saddens me, and maybe our sitting president.

But the lives of a lot of less well-known men have been destroyed, often based on accusations that are decades old. And that’s where it gets dicey for me. This woman has been harboring all her insecurities for seventeen years, insecurities born in a fourteen-year-old’s mind (if you’ve raised a teen-ager, you’ll understand the peril there) and no doubt nurtured and encouraged to grow over those years. What it sounds like to me is that her teacher was fascinated by her and saw talent; in trying to encourage her he overstepped the bounds not only of the teacher-student relationship but of general propriety. But I sincerely doubt his actions were prurient or even lustful. Misguided, yes, by all means.

Someone wrote yesterday in response to my blog on calling the police. She was read about a police officer who pulled a gun on a man he thought was stealing Necco wafers (whatever they are). The writer asked if a bit of candy is worth taking a life over. My question today is where we draw the line between sexually predatory behavior and sexual harassment severe enough to ruin a man. When does it become a crime instead of an annoyance? Many women handle wandering hands and other annoyances tactfully and quietly, without public attention and, as far as I know, without great damage to the psyches.

The problem seems to be one of degree, and we need a definition of sexual harassment, a checklist if you will. Even with such a list, I am not convinced of the validity of all these “recovered memories.” Time can distort. And there’s the bandwagon effect—once a man is accused, other women come out of the woodwork to join in the accusations.

Maybe I’m an anomaly. I once described to a younger friend a couple of incidents and relationships that made me uncomfortable, and she said, “You’ve been harassed, and you just don’t know it.” Well, okay, if I don’t know it, it didn’t damage me that much, and I went on with my life without making a mountain out of a molehill. The classic example to me of women who exaggerated small, meaningless gestures into a brouhaha were those who were incensed because former President George H. W. Bush patted them on the behind. I’m quite sure he wasn’t copping a feel—he thought of it as a friendly, almost affectionate gesture. Yes, it’s a hangover from an era well put behind us. But for Lord’s sake, he’s an old man in a wheelchair who has served his country well. Cut him some slack. I am a bit weary of women on their high horse, though as I try to emphasize I support genuine victims 150%. Where do we draw the line between abuse and foolishness?

It’s another conundrum.

A downer night

No blog tonight, or at least I intend none. Who knows? My brain may run away with my typing fingers. But my thoughts tonight are gray, and I figure this is the season of joy, so it’s not appropriate to spread gray thoughts.

Then again, maybe I’ll tell you that the novel I’ve just begun writing is about racial prejudice or bigotry, and it occurred to me that a few months ago our country was consumed with the racially charged issue of tearing down statues of Confederate heroes. No thoughtful consideration. They all had to come down right now! Instant action.

Now our country is consumed with sexual predators. We rush to judgement, forgetting that the American way is innocent until proven guilty. I suspect even honest and upright men are quaking in their shoes. In fact, I’ve read such about Congress these days. In our haste, we’re about to destroy the legislative branch of our government. And maybe the reputations of a few good men.

It’s well known I’m no fan of 45, so it will be no surprise that I lay all this turmoil at the feet of our faux president. He has promoted bigotry from day one, with immigration policies, support for Nazi protestors, a cold shoulder to Puerto Rico, a wall between us and Mexico. He has also leapt to the defense of Republican sexual predators—note that it’s a party-line thing. He quickly condemned Al Franken but supports Roy Moore, because we “need” that Republican seat in the Senate. Like hell we do! But of course 45 supports someone like Roy Moore, because there are now 16 accusations against him for sexual violations. And no one—not one single voice in the House or Senate—has called for an ethics investigation.

I’ve read and hesitate to believe that the destruction of America is his goal, and he will accomplish it much as Hitler tried to destroy Germany—divide and conquer. 45 is doing a good job of dividing, but I’m not sure he’s clever enough to have it as a long-range goal. I think his divisiveness comes from his personal prejudices and impulsiveness.

Nonetheless, I am sad about America tonight. And I’m sad because I went to the memorial service for a friend of at least forty years. It was in a funeral home instead of in the church she’d attended almost all of her adult life. The service was poorly attended and highly impersonal, until her oldest son got up and made remarks about his mom. Even then I’m not sure he’d paid enough attention to her professional accomplishments, which were stellar. She was the founding chair of the department of anatomy at an osteopathic school that now, almost fifty years later, has flourished and become a major health science center. It has flourished because of her early efforts and those of her colleagues, many now gone. My friend was there for 36 years, serving as dean of students among other capacities. Her students adored her, and I feel sure if they’d known some would have been at the service. All in all, it made me sad.

And America makes me sad.

Tune in tomorrow. I promise to be more cheerful, more in keeping with the season. It is, for all religions, a time of hope and joy and new beginnings. Let us rejoice and look to the future.

A prophetic dream?

Weird but intense dream last night, prompted I’m sure by all the allegations of sexual misconduct flying in the air these days. I was working in a hospital (not unusual—I did in high school and college). There had been incidents with predators, and I was terrified. Everyone was on alert, and watches were increased. A young man was arrested for repeatedly patting a girl in the tush. He was bewildered, and then frightened, as what seemed a slight incident morphed into a criminal charge and a possible jail sentence. Calls to his dad and a lawyer didn’t help, and this young man saw his future crashing. The girl he’d “offended” never came forward to say anything about the incident, but everyone in the hospital was crying for the young man’s head on a platter.

I think this dream reflects my personal feelings about the many allegations we’re seeing these days. A post or two on Facebook reminds that a “person is innocent until proven guilty,” but that’s not the case here. An accusation becomes widespread rumor and is soon accepted publicly as fact. Protestations of innocence fall on deaf ears, and lives and careers are ruined by innuendo.

The really scary thing is that each of us tend to make individual judgments, often independent of the facts even if we know reported facts. I’m as guilty as anyone, for I’ll quickly say that I think Alabama Judge Moore did what the woman claimed he did when she was fourteen, and he should get out of the race and so-called public service. He’s been called down from the judicial bench twice in his own state for judgments based not on the law but on his own belief system, which seems pretty warped. He’s a racist and a bigot on record, and to my mind a piece of slime. And I’m appalled at the prominent Alabama Republican leader who excused him by saying that Mary was fourteen and Joseph much older.

On the other hand, why make a fuss about slight incidents ascribed to former President George H. W. Bush. There was absolutely no sexual intimacy involved, no force, nothing but a casual pat on the behind. Bush has apologized, and many have pointed out it’s hard to see an old man in a wheelchair as a sexual predator. He gave good service to the country, and we should not repay him by shaming him in his last years over incidents that, to me, seem trivial. Others will disagree, and I understand that.

I think it all proves that nothing is black and white. I applaud the openness that our society now is experiencing. I think it will make would-be predators think before they act on base instincts, and I hope it will punish some severe offenders. But there’s no logic, no equality in the handling of each accusation, and I’m afraid some good lives will be ruined by falsehood.

Then again, I have no concern for Judge Moore. I’d hang him out in the wind any day.