Taking care of each other

 

My amaryllis twenty-four hours later
It gives me a lot of hope

If we merge mercy

With might, and

Might with right, then love

Becomes legendary.

  Amanda Gorman

Dumbstruck, still and forever, by the amount of hate in this world. Hate for people who are different--race, sexual orientation, religion, politics. The counter to hate, to me, is empathy. Instead of railing about illegal immigrants (someone once said no human being should ever be called illegal—call them undocumented if you must), why not think about that woman who walked three thousand miles carrying her possessions—and her young child—on her back? What had happened to her, her family? What made her so desperate? What did she hope to find? My mom was fond of the old saying, “Never judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes.” (Only she used a Native American version that substituted moccasins for shoes.)

I read recently of a man who had been a participant in some capacity at the Nuremburg trials of the Nazi war criminals. He said that after careful study he had concluded that the greatest definition of evil was lack of empathy. Makes sense to me, and I am sad that I see that trait all around us these days.

Here’s the dictionary definition: empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Synonyms are: sympathy, pity, feeling, concern, considerateness, consideration, tenderness, tender-heartedness, kindness, kind-heartedness, sensitivity, insight, fellow feeling, brotherly love, neighborliness, decency · humanity · . Gentle words, aren’t they?

Practicing empathy is not easy. I am the first to admit that I too often jump the gun, figuring I know the situation. Not only that, but I am usually quite sure my point of view is the right one. I am trying to teach myself to slow down, find out everything about the situation, listen to the other point of view. Yesterday I talked to ATT five times, three of them to the mechanized voice; Today the Wi-Fi stopped working again, and I called. But I know the ropes now and how to get a real person, and when I did I made it a point to be as nice as I could. Yes, I told him my frustration, but not in accusatory tones. And I asked where he lived, thanked him for his attention. I got what I want: a new router is one the way.

Far too many times, when I try to post what I hope is reason about some of what’s going on in Texas—book banning, voter suppression, that damn wall—I get responses that tell me to go somewhere else, get out of Texas. I want to shout, “I may not be native, but I’ve been here fifty-five years, my family, my career, and my life are here. I’m not leaving.” But the angry voices on Facebook don’t care. They have no empathy.

Right now I think the elected officials who run our country—and most definitely our state—could practice a lot of empathy instead of extreme partisan politics. I think of Tip O’Neill who was Speaker of the House in the late Seventies and early Eighties. He was known for reaching across the aisle, and there was a spirit of collegiality in the House. President Biden, when he was a senator, was also known for collegiality. There is none of that today. Votes are almost strictly along partisan lines, with it seems to me, little thought about their effect on our citizens, and a lot of though about the politicians’ careers.

Take Gov. Abbott’s deployment of troops to “secure” the border. They have had their lives disrupted—businesses closed, educations interrupted, families torn apart, while they sit in poorly equipped camps, bored, never seeing a migrant. But Gov. Abbott is making the former guy and their base happy. What’s a few discontent soldiers? What they are is human beings with lives and hopes and families and fears, not pawns in a game.

If I got a little preachy, I apologize, but empathy—the lack of it, the need for it, has been on my mind for a while. And it’s a hard subject to write about. Years ago, I titled my first novel, “A Year with no Summer,” but the New York publisher changed it to “After Pa Was Shot” because year and summer are intangibles. So is empathy, but we can make it real in our daily lives.

Words to remember

The New York Times had two spot-on, memorable editorials this morning. I’ve borrowed eloquent passages from them, words I want to remember for a long time.

Of the ongoing enmity between John McCain and Donald Trump, Frank Bruni wrote, “It’s between the high road and the gutter. McCain has always believed, to his core, in sacrifice, honor and allegiance to something larger than oneself. Trump believes in Trump, and whatever wreckage he causes in deference to that god is of no concern.”

In a piece titled “Our Trump Addiction,” Nicolas Kristof wrote, “Yet I worry that our national nonstop focus on Trump is helping to usher America into a hole: a Trump obsession. The danger is that Trump sucks up all the oxygen, so that other issues don’t get adequate attention “

I particularly find the thought that Trump sucks up all the oxygen apt. I am reminded of the late-night comedian, now retired, who said we must stop listing Trump’s outrageous acts and concentrate on leading him off to a nice protected home somewhere.

We are bombarded by so many opinions—can Trump take the Fifth? Does he have to answer a subpoena? Does “under oath” mean anything to him? Is he mentally capable? A few years ago, my attitude was that wiser heads than mine would work that all out while I went merrily about my business. Now I’m not so sure—in fact, I’m pretty sure that’s not the case. But much as I study the conflicting opinions, I feel helpless, as though history is rolling over me like the lava spewing out of that volcano in Hawaii.

We hear that 75% of evangelicals now support Trump and that his base is energized, but what are the numbers? How many people approve him? Isn’t his national approval at 40%? I know one thing: no matter those numbers,  we must get out the non-voters in November. I’m sure those of us who value the American democracy outnumber those who would tear it down with hate and racism and greed.

Undeniably Trump makes good news copy, which may indeed be a deliberate plan behind his outrageousness. The media, in all its forms, is always anxious to sell stories, and so they reward him by publicizing his antics. It’s a self-feeding circle. Yes, the media should show some responsibility, but their charge is to report facts, not opinions or “fake news.” And we, as consumers, must show even more responsibility in assessing the news.

For me, it comes down to a battle between compassion and hate. What kind of country do we want to live in?

Wow! I didn’t start off to be so solemn tonight. It’s really been a lovely day, at my desk and on my patio. I’m optimistic about the world—and about most Americans.

Adjusting to standard time

Don’t count me as among those grateful for another hour of sleep. Even as a teenager, I never could sleep late. Nine o’clock was a record for me, and when I had teenage kids of my own I was astounded that they could and did sleep till noon. These days I never set an alarm clock, but I’m almost always up by eight.

Last night Megan spent the night on the couch—her boys were all in the house. She pulls every blind on every window and turns out all lights. The result is that the cottage is a dark cave, even when the sun comes up. I was acutely aware of not wanting to disturb her, so I managed to doze until 7:45 the new time. But then I’d had it. I crept around, making a cup of tea as quietly as I could and turning on my computer. Finally, one of her boys came out to ask something and woke her. Then the world started to turn as it should.

We had biscuits and sausage gravy for brunch—delicious, though Jacob passed on the gravy and wanted honey. His two cousins thought he was crazy. Then everyone sat and talked for a while, and the Hudgeons family was off to Austin by eleven. At one point, Jordan said, “It’s only ten o’clock. I’m loving this.”

I came back to the cottage and worked a bit, but I was off my stride, and my body had definitely not adjusted. At one o’clock—which would have been two o’clock, I was unbearably sleepy. Napped, but that meant I got up with a long afternoon ahead of me. Somehow, lying there, I scolded myself for being lazy and unmotivated, so boy have I gotten a lot done.

Hung up several days accumulation of clothes, tried on some shoes I ordered and discovered as I suspected they were narrow, not the extra wide my feet have demanded since surgery (sob, the days of thin feet and trim ankles are forever gone). Took me the better part of an hour to arrange the exchange, print out the label, and package up the shoes for return. Washed dishes. Talked to the son of an old friend about a complicated family matter for a long time. And wrote my requisite thousand words for the day. I’m beginning to feel my way slowly with a new novel—very slowly.

The world goes on its shaky way—the shooting in Texas has everyone horrified, and I’m with those who are tired of prayers and hugs. We need action, but most of all we need to overcome the divisions in our nation, the sanction that’s been given to hate and anger. Who knows what makes people snap, but who can doubt that the uncertainty of our world contributes.

I was scolding one of my grandsons for talking about hating someone, and Brandon popped up with, “I hate Donald Trump, and I’m enjoying it.” I said that was like drinking a cup of poison and expecting Trump to die, but he denied it. Said his insides were not in a turmoil—he was just enjoying the hate. I doubt that’s a fair assessment. My brother said tonight a friend had said, “Oh, woe is me. I just found out one of my sons is a liberal.” When I asked how anyone could be anything else these days, he cut the conversation off. My sneaking suspicion is he won’t talk about Trump and Republicans because he knows how cruel and wrong they are.

Sugar, not vinegar

My mother was fond of aphorisms, and one of her favorites was, “You catch more flies with a teaspoon of sugar than you do with a cup of vinegar.” I’ve tried to live my life with that in mind, though I admit sometimes I’ve failed abysmally. Still, I think it’s a terrific guiding principle, and I am pleased my children seem to have gotten that message.

One of the things I’ve tried to teach my grandchildren—all seven of them, I’m proud to say—is to eliminate the word “hate” from their vocabularies. It’s a pretty strong, vulgar word, and I don’t see any need for them to say it ever. One smart sophist amongst them asked me if it wasn’t all right to say, “I hate it when my collar is too tight.” He knew full well and good I wanted him to eliminate the word in reference to people—and probably all living beings, even creepy crawlers.

I am disturbed at the level of hate in this country. Perhaps the white supremacists are the most outstanding public example, but I am particularly disturbed by the vitriol on Facebook about the Clintons and the Obamas. There’s also a swelling chorus aimed at 45, though it hasn’t reached choir proportions yet.

One friend posed the question of why, whenever something negative is posted about 45, someone chimes in with an accusation about Hillary or Obama. Why indeed? That has nothing to do with the subject at hand. If you are talking about 45’s behavior or decisions or tweets, accusing Obama of something is totally irrelevant. But such is the level of blind, unthinking hatred.

I shared a classy picture of Michelle Obama with a line that reminded that she is the most educated First Lady ever, with two degrees from Harvard and Princeton. Immediately someone responded, “Why is she so stupid?” Requests from me and several others to explain why the sender though Michelle was stupid went unanswered, leading us to believe the person didn’t really exist or was a troll or a bot (whatever the heck that is). But it all indicates a level of hate that I can’t imagine.

The people who hate—those who claim that Hillary is a criminal and should be locked up, that Obama was the worst president ever and ruined the country, the man who sees 45 as the Lord’s warrior (really?)—have no substance to back up their arguments. They just throw these statements into the mix and then accuse me of being a blind liberal. I have learned the hard way that it is senseless to argue with them, because facts mean nothing in their world. But it worries me that there are many in this country who harbor, even nurture, such emotions.

As for the level of hate on our streets, that too scares me. I remember the fear I knew as a child on the South Side of Chicago, and today I keep thinking how I’d feel if I were a black woman, watching my son, eighteen or twenty-eight, go out the front door at night and wondering if he’d come home alive. Will he be shot by an over-zealous law enforcement officer? Will he be the target of racial violence? As a female and a mother, I can understand fear a lot more than I can hate.

I don’t want to live in a country, a world where hate has such a strong presence, but I have no idea how to combat it. Hate is blind, unreasoning, the last weapon of the underdog. I pray for our country.

Tangled thoughts and some happy notes

One mama who is happy to have her boy back

I tried to write a post tonight about white supremacy, Charlottesville, and Confederate statues, but my thoughts are too tangled to make it coherent. Anyone reading this knows how strongly I deplore white supremacy and today’s violence. Were I in Charlottesville I would have stayed hidden inside, partly because I fear violence and party because I think going out to protest the marchers gave them a certain credibility. I am, like everyone, devastated by the deaths and injuries.

It may surprise some that I don’t favor destroying Confederate monuments. The Confederacy and the Civil War are significant parts of our history, and we are foolish to try to either deny or rewrite history. Let the monuments remain not as objects of glory but as reminders that we are now better people, shaped by the fire of that war.

Hate has been legitimized in this country by a president who encouraged violence at his political rallies, mocked minorities and the disabled, banned certain nationalities from our shores, and still strives to build a wall to keep out an entire race of people. It is a sad day for a nation founded on the belief that all men are equal.

On another note. It’s been quiet around the Alter/Burton homestead lately, but today we welcomed Jacob home from camp where he had, in his words, a blast. He went for two weeks; one week in, he wanted to come home. Now he says he wants to go back next year for four weeks. He’s tanned and healthy and happy and grew two feet, I’m sure. I’m glad he’s back. To celebrate, we fixed Polish sausage for dinner—a favorite of his, but I found I didn’t buy enough. Double that order next time.

And on a personal happy note: I wrote two thousand words today on the novel I’m working on. My daily goal is a thousand words, but yesterday if I was lucky I wrote three hundred. The words wouldn’t come. The late Jerry Flemmons, who gave me lots of good advice and counsel, always said when writer’s block hits the thing to do is put your butt in the chair and write, no matter how meaningless the words. I tried yesterday, honest I did, but I stared at a blank screen and finally resorted to Facebook. Today with everyone gone, I wrote twice my daily goal and made a lot of notes for tomorrow’s writing.

I would say all’s well and the world is in its place, but clearly it’s not. Not with Kim Jung-Un and Trumpf rattling sabers and not with the tragic events of Charlottesville. But when I’m discouraged I remember William Faulkner’s Nobel speech—“I believe man will not only endure, he will prevail.” Call me Pollyanna.

The power of hate

I try to teach my grandchildren not to use the word "hate." One told me he understood that we shouldn't hate people but wasn't it okay to say "I hate it when my collar is too tight?" How do you answer that, and where do you draw the line? When is hate acceptable and when is it not? Unfortunately, my grandchildren and children everywhere are growing up in a world of hate.
The other day a minister I know announced she was closing her Facebook account because of all the hate she encountered. I happen to enjoy Facebook and I think it helps me tell people about me and my books, so I''m not closing my account. But I'm appalled by the hate I encounter.
This morning, after the State of the Union, it was particularly evident. A man who I occasionally spar with over politics and ethics went way over the line when he posted about "the Kenyan, B. Hussein Obama." He and I have had this discussion and he took to calling the president the half-Kenyan, apparently as a result of my arguments. But now he's regressed. It's a way of reminding people that he's not one of "us." And B. Hussein? He seems to want us to link him mentally with Sadam Hussein and perhaps Osama bin Laden. If I ask if there's a racial implication, he acts offended and says he's never heard one word about Obama's race (has he had his head in the sand?). I thought he was not only filled with hate, he was disrespectful to the president of our country. Disagree with his policies, as a vocal segment of the population does, but please don't carry it to the level of personal hate. What about the Florida politician who called for hanging President Obama? And wasn't there a call for the death of the entire Obama family? And all those calls for impeachment. I have asked on what grounds and been told he's ruining the country (vague at best) and he's violated the Constitution--I'd have to be a constitutional scholar to judge on that one, and I know these people are not scholars of any sort. This same man is compassionate about lost dogs, abused dogs, etc., and quick to praise folk music and hymns. Within the last few days he posted a tribute to Pete Seeger--had he listened to the message in Seeger's music?
State Senator Wendy Davis has come in for her share of hate, from misrepresentation of her family life to the demeaning monicker, "Abortion Barbie." Can people not say they oppose abortion without resorting to personal insults and distortions?
I happen to be a practicing Christian, which really shouldn't bear much one way or the other on this subject of hate. But so much of the hate is couched in terms of "I'm a good Christian." It embarrasses me for my religion to be so distorted. Christ said, "And of these the greatest is love." For hate and Christianity to be tied together makes me think, with fear, of the Westboro Baptist Church.
Rational disagreement is based on thought and reason; hate is a base emotion. Let there be peace. We live in times too filled with partisan hatred, and we can only move forward if we can let go of anger and hate..

Openly political—skip if you want, but I hope you won’t

I try not to devote my blog to politics or the volatile climate in this country and, specifically, in Texas, but there are some things I can’t resist putting into words.

One of my earliest public memories is of seeing a woman jump out of a car and yell, “Hooray! Hooray! Roosevelt is dead.” I went into the house to tell my mother, and she said, “Hush. Don’t talk that way.” I didn’t know then, as I do know, that a lot of people, like my parents, thought he was a god on a pedestal but there were hard-core haters. I suppose they disliked the New Deal, the CCC, Social Security, and other programs designed to protect middle- and low-income Americans.

Since then I have seen dislike, often extreme, for the leaders of our nation. I myself admit to highly negative feelings about Richard Nixon and even more so about George W. Bush, though in the latter case it was less hate that despair at his foolish decisions.

I don’t think, however, I’ve ever seen such unprecedented hate as President Barack Obama is experiencing. It both amused and saddened me a few days before Christmas to see a picture on Facebook of a large, float-like vehicle emblazoned with the slogan, “Impeach Obama!” From time to time you see other calls for impeachment on Facebook.

What I wonder is on what grounds? I still don’t understand the legal grounds for the impeachment charges against Bill Clinton. What would you charge Obama with? Policies you don’t agree with? Don’t think that’s written into the constitution. Lurking always in the background, though many deny it, is the charge of being black. In the land of the free and of equality, that surely is not a crime. Treason? Hardly. Economic misjudgment—that’s in the eye of the beholder and most of us aren’t as knowledgeable as the president is but I’m under the impression that our economic outlook is greatly improved.

Of course that leaves the Affordable Care Act. Republican politicians run ads that say, “Keep Obamacare out of Texas.” Not too long ago, I commented on such a post by David Dewhurst, asking him “Why?” Could he, I challenged, provide statistics. I have not received an answer—does that tell you anything? The ACA seems to be working well in states like Kentucky that have welcomed it; a surprising million and a half or somewhere in that area have enrolled in Texas, where Republicans have made it difficult it to impossible to enroll. They are sacrificing Texans’ health to their urgent desire to weaken our president and make him a failure. Many Texans, bombarded by misleading Facebook posts, editorials, etc., have not even investigated the enrollment procedures. If they did, they might be surprised at the savings and improved coverage they’d find.

I know a man who will say thousands of his clients have lost their policies—yes, they have because those policies did not meet the standards. He quoted astronomical amounts that new insurance will cost these people, but have they investigated the program? I doubt it.

Come on, Texans, get beyond the hate and the misleading media information. Dig into the fact and make your own judgments. Don’t let other people think for you.

And let’s stop the hate on Facebook.