Happiness

Sophie in her favorite position

showing off her new haircut

A friend of mine belongs to a writers’ group that took on the subject of happiness. She posted one response on her blog, where I read it. I was immediately intimidated. The writer found happiness in places that made sense to me—nature and serving causes other than oneself are two I identified with.

But he also listed music, big ideas, and books. The music is classical, the big ideas come from books on science, philosophy, spirituality, psychology, etc. I enjoy classical music, especially the romanticists, but my real joy is in the folk music of the’60s and ‘70s. Books? I am never happier than when I am caught up in a good mystery. Reading Jung was painful in college—I’d never do it today. In short, I felt like a shallow person who never stretches her mind. My college professor to this day describes me as a “closet intellectual.”

But then I had an epiphany: I was doing what I do too frequently—comparing myself to others and coming up short. I need to recognize that we are all different, not better or worse, but just different. And I, by gosh, need to stand up and be proud of who I am.

No, I don’t find joy in classical music except occasionally being swept away by Tchaikovsky, Vivaldi, or Rachmaninoff. I don’t go to concerts—neither my ear nor my musical education have taught me enough to appreciate the music fully, and I get fidgety. I find joy in Joan Baez, Simon and Garfunkel, Neil Diamond, Joan Collins. I don’t read nonfiction except when something catches my eye—a memoir, an exploration of faith, etc. I’m pretty much a folk music and mystery gal.

One thing he didn’t mention was food. I find great joy in food—cooking it and eating it. I had a food day yesterday: my love of kosher food came out when I had herring with sour cream for lunch, a rare treat I haven’t enjoyed in a long time. For dinner I had a buttered, boiled potato, sautéed zucchini, and a lamb chop with a sauce of olive oil, scallions, minced garlic, a good squeeze of anchovy paste, and a bit of white wine. So good I had to defrost a couple of baguette slices to sop up the rest of the juice. Yes, I had a recipe, but also yes, I fiddled with it and simplified it, leaving out chicken broth and a couple of other things. The recipe served four, and I was doing one lonely but succulent loin lamb chop. Living alone and often eating alone in the evening, I think it’s important not to grab a bowl of cereal but to have a full, balanced, enjoyable meal.

One thing he mentioned that is beyond my reach—his joy in his partner, his wife one presumes from the context. I have built a happy, fulfilling, wonderful life, but a small corner of me regrets that I am sailing into old age without an emotional and physical partner. My four children and I are close and loving, but they are each married and their first loyalty is to their spouses. I reflect on Browning’s “Rabbi Ben Ezra”: “Grow old along with me/The best is yet to be/The last of life for which the first was made.” That’s the vision I had as a young, starry-eyed girl. Life taught me otherwise. I do not regret any decision in my life, but that lingering regret remains. If I ever write a memoir, I’ll have to come to grips with it. (I might defend my lack of intellectuality by pointing out that quoting Browning suggests my English Ph.D. was not totally wasted.)

The important thing is that I do find joy and happiness in life almost all the time, and I’m grateful for that. And I think in some small way I make the world a better place—through my children, if not my writing.

A Visit from My Son

When he can make time, Jamie comes from Dallas to spend a day with me. He works at the coffee table while I work at my desk, and he often begins his day before first light at the curb. I always ask why he didn’t come in, and he says he’s all set up with his computer and phone in his car and he’s busy. This morning he snuck up to the front door of the house and left Jacob something; then, about seven, called Jacob to look on the porch. Jacob was grumpy about being wakened, but joyful when he found the spinners—I think that’s what they were, something that’s “hot” in the toy business right now.

A tradition that I like on the days Jamie spends with me: we go to breakfast at the Ol’ South Pancake House. He has a German pancake—today it was the smaller Dutch baby—and I have a side of corned beef hash, no egg, lots of ketchup. It’s the part of the day when we visit—he tells me about his work, we talk about family, conversations we don’t have when he gets busy at his computer.

We had another nice interlude today: a Joan Baez interlude. When my kids were little, their father and I loved the folk music of the 70s, so my children know Joan Collins, Neil Diamond and others. But Joan Baez is a particular favorite, and the children still know all the songs. Jamie has tracked down all the albums and bought them (probably in vinyl). He brought his guitar today—he’s just started playing and, with help from daughter Maddie, is picking out the chords and trying to play, “Diamonds and Rust.” It’s a difficult song, and I, known for my tin ear, didn’t recognize it. But then we called up some of her other songs on the computer and played them, including “Bachianas Brasileiras No. 5: Aria" which I have not been able to find for years.

Jamie stayed until happy hour guests arrived at six. These were neighbors who meet at the local Grill for supper every Tuesday, and they all wanted to see my cottage. I made a good cold artichoke dip (as opposed to those you bake) and gruyere toasts—must have been a hit because it all disappeared, along with a lot of wine that our guests brought. Jordan served as hostess as she so often does, and did a magnificent job of making everyone welcome.

Betty and I planned to go on to supper with the group but neither of us were hungry enough for the heavy food at the Grill, and Jordan and Jacob wanted to stay home. I ended the day with a bowl of cold cereal at my computer. Not at all a bad ending.