Walking on eggshells

This morning I would no more have wanted to walk Jacob across the street to school than I would have wanted to fly. We had thunder snow during the night--a bolt of lightning woke me just as my furnace kicked on, and in my daze I thought, "The furnace has exploded." But the flash of light was soon followed by thunder. When I got up and looked out, the ground was white, though the streets and sidealks were merely wet. Still it looked like there were patches of ice here and there. Because I'm a worrier and because I'm terrified of falling, I began to worry about getting Jacob at three. Of course, by then, the streets were dry and it was fine--though darned cold.
It was a perfect day to be a recluse, and I stayed in all day. Did my yoga and got a lot down on the manuscript I'm editing. Had a pimiento cheese sandwich for lunch--yum!--and a good nap, and then it was time to get Jacob. We did all his homework--math exercise, reading, essay in response to the book, a pre-test for spelling, and alphabetized his spelling words. Bless him, he'd look at me occasionally and say, "Are we having a good day so far?" I assured him we were. (We didn't have a good day yesterday because he wouldn't focus, and I grew impatient--we both vowed today to change our ways!)
Tonight it was tempting to stay inside with the fire in the fireplace, but I also liked the idea of company, so I went to meet neighbors at the Grill and have my meatloaf fix. Cold coming home, and I dreaded the walk down the dark driveway--motion sensitive lights but there's a gap and a time limit. And I did what I know better than to do--I faltered, and once my confident stride was broken, I was a mess. I ended up taking the funniest route to the house you can imagine--holding on to the fence, then hobbling across the drive to a tree and then the side of the house until the lights kicked in.
I know that about walking and anxiety. If I lose my confidence, if I break my stride, anxiety kicks in, and I feel that I cannot take another step. But if I keep walking confidently, I'm fine. I'm glad no one saw me scramble tonight, and yet I've learned to tell myself that I did okay. I made it into the house. Elizabeth did not find me lying in the driveway when she came home.
Almost everyone feels anxiety, but for some of us it can have disabling effects. Mine takes the form of this fear of walking and falling. Those who don't know say "It's all in your head." Yes, it is, but it's very real, and the numbers of people in this country who suffer from anxiety to a disabling degree would astonish many.
Most days I do just fine. I've learned to deal with it. But it does come creeping up to bite me, and tonight was one of those times. I'll just have to keep walking down that dark driveway, with confidence--and a walking stick. If that's the worst of my burdens, I am blessed indeed.

Exercise--do you have a regular schedule?

For some time, at least a couple of years, I either did my yoga routine at home or rode my stationery bike. But all that changed with the puppy--I had to be out in the yard with her because she was too little to leave alone, I was housebreaking her, which meant a lot of cleaning up and going back and forth. The first week was like having a newborn in the house--I was exhausted. She gradually got better, though she's got a long way to go before she's a "grown-up" dog. But the demands on my time aren't as great. There is also the Jacob factor--he is often here in the late afternoon when I would normally do my yoga. If I have no errands, I can do it in the morning when the dogs are out, but such days are fairly rare. Result: no exercise. I did my yoga two or three times, sporadically, and worried about not exercising. I rationalized that I'm active, out in the world running errands, eating lunch, etc., cooking at home, and so on. But I knew it wasn't active enough. And Sophie? She has too much energy, so at night when I want to work at my computer, she pesters me.
This morning I sat on the back steps and threw a tennis ball for Sophie, intending to play fetch. She doesn't fetch well--gets hold of the ball and runs in mad circles around the yard, then ventures close to me, growling. When I reach out to pretend to take the ball, she's off in mad circles again. She got lots of exercise and finally quit, winded; I got no exercise, but Scooby got lots of love.
Jordan developed an exercise plan. When she came over today to get Jacob, she would walk Sophie. I suggested we all go. We couldn't get the gentle leader on Sophie and Jordan was impatient to go, so we settled for the regular leash. I didn't even make it from the porch steps to the sidewalk before I gave Sophie to Jordan--I simply do not want to be pulled down and break a hip. So Jordan walked her mother, her son, and her mother's dog. Actually they were all about ten feet ahead of me the entire way, with Sophie pulling on the leash constantly. Once around our double block, part of which is uphill, and I retired from the field. I found as I had in Scotland that uphill is hard for me. Jordan, Jacob and Sophie ran around the block the second time.
They left about five, and I had dinner plans at seven--two hours with no specific chores. I did my yoga routine, and it felt good. So I hope I'm on a new track. I know I won't work something in every day. Tomorrow, I have errands in the morning, a lunch date, Jacob in the afternoon, and a dinner date. But there are many days I could do the yoga, and when Jordan can walk, I will too. Her plan is to walk once with me, run once with Jacob, and then run once by herself, taking Sophie on all three trips.
Sophie is sleeping peacefully in my office, and I expect to sleep well tonight. I hope I'm not like the new convert who gets religion for three months, but as I sit in peace at my desk, I see the benefits of exercise.

The Blessing of Good Neighbors

My neighbor, probably 25 years younger than I, has decided that I need a walking program, and since he wants to start walking, we'll walk together. (I sometimes suspect his need to walk is a kind invention to mask his helping me!) I haven't been walking for over a year because of insecurity about my sense of balance--due to a lot of things too long to go into here, but anxiety is a big factor. And Jay is right--I need to get in shape for Scotland. In fact, I'm late starting. So this morning we went for our first walk--.6 mile at a brisk pace, though towards the end I had to slow down, and Jay admitted he was winded too, which made me feel better. This will be an uneven program, since he's out of town a lot. After a few trials, he may take Scooby, my dog whose joy for life makes him impossible on the end of a leash in spite of training efforts--you can't always train the herding instinct out of working dogs. Jay's wife, Susan, will take their dog Pecos. This morning she said she didn't think it would be cool if Pecos pulled me down. As far as balance, except for curbs and one huge break in the concrete where a tree branch hit me simultaneously, I thought I did pretty well. Meanwhile I'll keep riding my reclining bike but will increase the resistance, and I'll keep doing my stretches.
For this morning's walk I wore new shoes--what I call my old-lady-ugly-comfortable shoes--they are SAS brand and have a larger than normal toebox, to accomodate my bunions and hammer toe. Very comfortable--and not quite as ugly as I expected.
Jay and Susan are good neighbors. They suggested sharing costs for taking down a tree between our houses (a very narrow space) that was dead but covered with ivy which we suspect harbored rats. And while the tree came down, they took Scooby over to their house to have a "play date" with Pecos. That night, Friday, they came over for a glass of wine so we could trade keys and checks and what have you. All of us are delighted at how much more light we get into our houses.
Then last night Jordan, Christian, Jacob and I joined them for Jay's lasagne of which he is rightfully very proud--it was outstanding, and we had a jolly evening with Susan's parents also present. I sort of knew the Halbowers from church and about but hadn't really met them, so that was fun. We had a lot in common to talk about. For years I lived without good neighbors--college kids on one side and an eccentric elderly man on the other. Now I have good neighbors on either side, and I'm blessed.
Jordan was very grateful that they invited us to dinner because she claimed my house smelled. When she walked in, the cat had "missed" the litterbox, something I took care of right aftercoming back from dinner. I had also just sprayed a water repellent on those new SAS shoes, and it did smell like a pesticide or something. And there is a lingering eau d'rat in the kitchen, but it's quite faint. I've lived through dead critter odor that was a lot worse. Today the catbox and water repellent odors are gone, and I spent quite a bit of time in the kitchen without discomfort--but then, my nose isn't as sensitive as Miss Jordan's.
Anxiety is a funny thing--it seems to come and go for no reason. Right after Christmas I seemed to have a new attack, and I couldn't muster much enthusiasm for anything. It was easier to stay home, and I could see how, in some ways, becoming reclusive would be too easy--but I also knew it wasn't something I wanted to do, so I kept forcing myself to do things. But Friday, for instance, was a day of bad balance--I kept trying to go into stores, etc., without my stick, and the result was some very tentative walking. But Saturday morning I woke up feeling enthusiastic, neither discouraged nor disheartened. I set out happily on errands, walked easily, and life was good. A part of me wonders if sleeping late in the morning makes a difference, although that may be way too easy an answer. But oh is it tempting.