Tonight, it's eight o'clock, and my house is very quiet and pretty much straightened up, pretty much decorated for Christmas. This afternoon, about two, when the last child left, I thought I'd go sit at my desk, have a glass of wine, and then nap. But I kept finding one more thing to do--and tonight there are still several one more things--a load of laundry to be folded, another to be started, a dishwasher to unload, Chistmas lights to be tested. For some unthinking reason, I scheduled my annual Christmas party (it's a no-tree sometimes but not always annual tree-trimming party) for next Saturday, which wouldn't be bad, except that the TCU Press big event of the year--our Annual Autograph Extravaganza--is the night before. I know it will all get done, but oh me!
I hate to see the children leave, but when Megan called tonight and asked, "Have you got your house back?" my answer was "yeah, sort of." She, bless her, was on her way to her office at 5 p.m., expecting to work about four hours--when she's left Fort Worth for Austin about noon.
Jacob is confused. Megan said he looked at her purse this morning and said, "Juju's purse." We have identical bags, because she bought herself one and then bought one for me--they are sort of a camel tan--and then Mel bought herself a black one. So trendy we are. Jacob keeps telling his mom that Gaga is at Juju's house. The Austin grandsons call me Gaga while everyone else in the family calls me Juju. Gaga was an invention of Sawyer's and his family refuses to let go of it, though he once looked at me solemnly and said, "Are you Juju?"
I'v'e thought a lot about my feelings about this holiday, because my self-confidence in my balance went all to you-know-where. At my brother's, when we had to park in a field and then negotiate a gravel path that I know I've walked many times, I was really uncertain, hesitant. Jamie gave me his arm and joked that he was uncertain on the gravel too and we'd hold each other up. This morning, just crossing a parking lot to go to lunch, I had to walk near someone if not holding on, and at Best Buy I simply held on to Maddie, who was most obliging though I am certain is puzzled. I've thought of several things--do I become more dependent because I know my children will take care of me? Gosh, I hope it's not that! Do I get more self-conscious about my balance because I so don't want them to think I'm getting old and dependent? Maybe part of it. But I know my balance is definitely connected to anxiety, and it may be that my anxiety is heightened when they're all here--maybe partly from good anxiety (excitement, enjoyment of their visit, etc.) and partly from worrying about herding all those cats and all that has to be done. I am trying so hard these days to let the visits roll by without worrying about dishes and cleaning up (they do a good job before they leave) and all that. I don't know, but it's something to ponder on.
Tonight I got back to business, reading the final chapter of my cookbook. Next step is to answer the editor's questions, which aren't many.
I've got the basics of my Christmas decorations up, but I need Jordan or Megan's eye. Megan is gone, so tomorrow Jordan is going to come over for brunch. We need to work on white lights, fluffing up the fake outdoor trees at the front door. And of course, she'll critique what I've done-with a huge boost of help from Maddie.
I'm left with happy memories of a good holiday.
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