Off Balance

Well, I'm having what I call one of my anxious spells. They come on me for what reason I don't know, and they take various forms--beeen happening all my adult life. Each time of course I think it's the worst, but I also know it will pass. This time it has to do with my sense of balance--I frequently feel that I can't walk from here to there without falling (agoraphobia is traditionally defined as a fear of open space and that probaby enters into it). But as I have done in the past, I figure it's best to say to those close to me, "I'm having a problem and I need help." If I hide it and fight it, it gets worse. So I'm saying, "I need to hold your arm when I go down that step" or, as I did in Austin going to the guest house, "the ground is uneven, Brandon, and I need to hold on to you." It doesn't take much--just a touch and the sense that someone is next to me. (I am very aware that it would not be good for a 68-year-old woman to fall.)
Well today I decided I absolutely could not walk across the open part of my driveway (once I'm next to the fence, it's ok). So I took the broom, figuring I could put it down to steady myself if necessary (which of course it wasn't). But in an email exchange with Fran--who rescued me the night of the cat bite--I recounted the broom story. She thought I could get away with the broom in my own driveway--if anyone came along, I could start sweeping--but I'd look darn strange taking a broom into Central Market or some such place. So tomorrow I think I'll go buy myself a walking stick. I saw some wonderful natural wood ones in the hardware store and considered getting one for Brandon, who likes odd gifts, but now I'll get one for myself. Fran referred to it as a cane, and I said, "No, no" a cane has no elan, no class, this will be a walking stick. And the nice thing? I know this spell too will pass. They always do.
Meantime I'm busily getting done all the things I've put off--such efficiency helps me feel less like an incapable person. This morning I tore up to the service station to get my car inspected, only to learn they don't do inspections--so tomorrow I'll go where I know they do them. And this afternoon I got a flu shot (okay, I asked the pharmacist to hold my hand while I went down his curb--but getting the shot made me extra nervous). I've been to have my echocardiogram and to the dermatologist and I'm going to a new podiatrist and I have appts. with the cardiologist, a new primary care physician, my gynecologist, and the eye doctor. Lord, will I be healthy. Maybe all that is what's making me nervous.
Other things are good. I've done some really good work at the press, acquiring manuscripts, consulting my board, etc. And I've written quite a bit more on the mystery--its wonderful how new ideas develop as I write, almost like magical writing where someone else is guiding my thoughts. I really hope this mystery is salable, but I find myself resisting sending sample chapters to the agent who said he'd read them.
This Wednesday the kids and their families will arrive for Thanksgiving. We'll also have a famiy reunion at my brother's ranch and we'll have Alter Alternative Christmas, so it will be a big weekend. Colin's family and Jamie's will stay with me, while Megan and her bunch stay with Jordan. Jordan will host Thanksgiving, which doesn't excuse me from cooking at all. And meantime I have my neighbor, Sue, and her parents for dinner Saturday and Jordan Sunday so she can pass on my holiday decorations. I am as always ahead of the game--my house is in Christmas mode, but only because I wanted it to be festive when the kids come because it's our Christmas celebration. Most of my presents are wrapped, and I've planned my annual Tree Trimming (no tree again) party. Now tell me why someone with all that good going on should be nervous about walking down a driveway! Beats me! but I figure it's better to share and laugh.